Thirty

Hello world, it's been awhile. The last time I blogged, it was 2013! I was freshly married with some lovely rose colored glasses on. Oh the life lessons I have learned! What brings me to the computer to write, you may or may not be wondering. Well, it's my birthday this week. My 30th birthday to be exact. And my blog description was "Service and life lessons of a twenty-something." I figured, I should probably change that and maybe actually "blog." Ha!

Just for a quick catch up, the last 5 years have gone like this......Clinton and I prayed, hoped, struggled, cried, and dreamed our way through 14 months of infertility. In that time we became homeowners and auntie and uncle. We were then blessed with our sweet son Miles in August of 2015. We got caught up in the lovely craziness that is being new parents. In the mist of new parenting, Clinton found himself changing jobs, which eventually lead him into a great position that he is thriving in. (This was a stretch for me initially but now we look back and we are so extremely thankful.) Before Miles turned one, we found ourselves in what I like to call "the awakening" where my rose colored glasses simply....well, exploded. Our marriage was challenged by finances. It was a tough run, but we worked hard and loved hard and by the pure grace of God have found ourselves on the other side, with direction, understanding, and purpose; not only in our finances but in our marriage. After working for BBBS for 6 years, I made the difficult decision to take a different position working 4 days a week at a local home health care company as an Administrative Assistant. And that was an emotional ride, let me tell you! Thankfully, it was a good move and Miles and I have enjoyed a little more time together. It has made such a difference for me. We then discovered that I have elevated ANA levels which very well could be Rheumatoid Arthritis. This has lead us into a whole new world of natural approaches and healthy choices. Thankfully, I have had no pain for a year and half. We have been on another journey of praying, hoping, struggling, crying, and dreaming of having a child. After a year of that journey, we joyously found out I was pregnant and then sadly miscarried 3 weeks later, on New Years Day 2018. We have been recovering and healing from that hurt, still praying, hoping, struggling, crying, and dreaming. 

And then comes Thirty. 

I'm honestly not too bent out of shape about turning 30. I knew it was coming, right? I felt every emotion under the sun in my twenties. I traveled. I had fun. I served. I struggled. I LIVED BY MYSELF! I'm sure people do that all the time, but I still can't believe I did that and I'M SO GLAD I DID! My twenties ended up being a mini series about trusting God and giving Him the control. I'm not saying that I got things I desired because I trusted God. My life would look fairly different if that was the case. I am saying that I found myself trusting God and giving Him control. Simply that. As hard as it was in those moments of dark loneliness when I was single, hardly able to get a date, to weeping with my husband because our 2nd child was already gone - I lifted up my hands and surrendered the best I could. And God met me there. 

My thirties, I'm guessing, will be an extended mini series about trusting God and trying to explain to Miles why the sky is blue, why he can't pretend to shoot people, that girls are to be treated well, God loves him, where babies come from, where poop comes from, and so on. I look forward to it. The bumps, the bruises, the doubt, the fear, the disappointment....if I am willing, bring me closer to the God who "drew me with loving kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3).  Instead of being afraid of what is ahead in my thirties, I'm going to surrender.  

This prayer by Amy Carmichael is my charge for my thirties. And may it be a charge to you, whatever age you are, whatever season you are in. 

Love through me, Love of God;
Make me like thy clear air
Through which, unhindered, colors pass
As though it were not there.

Powers of the love of God,
Depths of the heart Divine,
O love that faileth not, break forth,
And flood this world of Thine.

27

Tomorrow is a special day. My mom has always been big about making the people she loves feel special, especially on their birthday. I've realized she has passed that on to me. And tomorrow is my husband's 27th birthday. A very special day indeed.

But, we don't really have the money for me to spend on several gifts or throw a big party for him. I did splurge and use the credit card to buy him Vikings vs. Bears tickets...and he knows that probably won't happen again for awhile. So, it seems that everything that I  know of making a birthday special costs money which makes me feel like it's not enough. I am not very crafty creative....but I can write. And I also like talking about how great my husband is. I decided to put the two together.

So....Clinton Charles Holmgren here are 27 things that I find so ridiculously wonderful about you, published for everyone to read.

Happy Birthday!

1.) You have an old soul, filled with lots of wisdom, witty things to say, and a deep care for anyone you come in contact with.

2.) Your love for football is very amusing to me, but I have a great deal of appreciation for all of the stats and information you keep in your brain about all the players and teams.

3.) You are willing and able to cook.

4.) Pretty sure you are #1 at grocery carrying. And a Grade A grocery shopping partner!

5.) You are a great listener.

6.) You take out the trash, do the dishes, and do the laundry.

7.) You laugh at yourself.

8.) You take time for your family and my family.

9.) You let me eat pickles and then kiss you...ha. I really don't do it on purpose!

10.) You make sure you are to work on time and follow through on your responsibilities.

11.) You have a great deal of integrity.

12.) Kids love you.

13.) You take the lead in our relationship.

14.) You like watching all kinds of movies.

15.) You sing Johnny Cash songs pretty darn well, especially "Jackson"

16.) We're in this together.

17.) You smell good.

18.)  Your heart for youth, juveniles, and Haiti.

19.) You appreciate the writings of Elisabeth Elliot.

20.) You know a crazy amount of people....and they all love you.

21.) You are a very good writer.

22.) You don't push me off the bed when I talk in my sleep and you don't snore that much.

23.) You like all kinds of music.

24.) I am encouraged by you daily to trust God and to wait on Him.

25.) You have a super cute chuckle.

26.) Your come backs are hilarious.

27.) You make time for people and are intentional about being with them.

There are many more, of course!

Clinton, here's to all the wonderful qualities you possess and to another great year ahead! I love you and I hope that your birthday is just as great as you are! And then some! ;)

Soul Revival

And one of the scribes came up and heard them disputing with one another, and seeing that he answered them well, asked him, "Which commandment is the most important of all?" Jesus answered, "The most important is, "Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." The second is this: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." There is no other commandment greater than these." Mark 12:28-31 ESV

For thus says the One who is high and lifted up, who inhabits eternity, whose name is Holy: "I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with him who is of contrite and lowly spirit, to revive the spirit of the the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite." Isaiah 57:15 ESV


      It's been well over a year since I last blogged. There's a couple reason's why it's been so long. Alot has happened since the last time I blogged, inlcuding meeting the man I took as my husband. :) It's interesting to look back at my Bible, my notebook/ journal, and my blog and see how slowly but surely, I stopped reading, stopped writing, and stopped reflecting. I do have to say, that I didn't stop praying (I wouldn't have made it through our dating and engagement with out doing that!!!). Overall though, I'll admit my focus had changed. When I met Clinton (technically for the 2nd time) I was absolutely scared (and excited). Why would I be scared you might ask? Because I knew. I knew he was it and I knew that even if this was arranged by God, I would lose the focus I had aquired in the desert and in my place of contentment, in my soul. I knew this because, that is typiclaly what happens, at least in my high school and college years. I like a guy, he liked me, we'd start dating, and I would focus on him and not Him. I'm not a fan of that change in focus. And God had become so real to me when I lived on my own, that I didn't want to lose that. I quickly realized that since this was different than other relationships in my past, Clinton would encourage my relationship with God, as his heart was in the right place.  I was blessed and encouraged by the prayers he prayed before we ate our food on dates, the books he was reading, and the conversations he would have with others. But naturally, I became pretty consumed with our relationship and wedding planning.

Some would believe that this was a very natural and healthy thing, to prepare for marriage is to focus on preparing and most girls have dreamed about planning a wedding all their young lives. I very much wanted to have the best approach with marriage because personally, I didn't want mine to fail. And I hadn't really dreamed about planning the wedding, but more so marrying a really awesome guy who loved me and loved God, and being a beauty in white. I some what loathed the planning. It distracted me. Several times I just felt so uncomfortable. Like something wasn't right in my soul. It wasn't marrying Clinton. I have never had such a peace as I do about the choice to marry him. I love him dearly. But, there was something I wasn't really tending to, something I wasn't really focused on.

My soul.

And the Creator of my soul, the Holy God who fashioned me called out to me during all the wedding planning and the arguments with family about the guest lists, and the worry of money. I remember getting so upset, completely tossed out of the boat at times while we were engaged because I could barely hear God's voice. I had all these questions deep inside me about what my life is supposed to look like as a married woman. And I felt unsettled. And I know Clinton could tell it. I have been blessed with a very calm and understanding husband. And the cool thing was, he knew I would be revived.

Everything about our wedding was wonderful. I surrendered a great deal to God the day before our wedding and then I glided through the hair spray, the first look pictures, the ceremony, and the reception. And we had a wonderful time. During the ceremony, I remember the feeling I had deep with in me. I knew with all my heart and with all of my soul that this was right. That this was holy and perfect and good. And my soul was opened a bit. Revived just a little.

The dust has very much settled since our wedding. And it has been lovely. Slowly I have read a little more and written a little. Clinton and I will read scripture before bed sometimes and sometimes we'll pray being so unsure of what the future holds but trusting.  But, I still had that unsettling feeling in me. Something I realized was my soul, asking to be revived by it's Creator. Asking to be opened up again and focused on. I heard a sermon this morning that encouraged this feeling and truly brought it to life again. It's easy to say that I've had alittle readjustment, a little refocus. And I love it. I want to write and sing and seek God's word. Not because I'm supposed to as a Christian but because MY SOUL LONGS FOR IT! I want my whole self, my soul to go into this relationship. No back burner business here! :)

I know that this isn't the last and only "revival" of my soul. I am aware that as life throws curve balls, my soul may get neglected, therefor my Creator God neglected. I know that He will meet me in the lowly places and continue to bring me back. He will continue to revive my soul. And yours, too.

I encourage you to listen to the message "Love God with All Your Soul" by Carl Newbanks of Living Way Church, which is the sermon that encouraged my soul revival. :)

Jessica

http://thelivingwaychurch.org/media.php?pageID=5

A Painted Desert

It was I who knew you in the wilderness, in the land of drought; Hosea 13:5

“He found him in a desert land, and in the howling waste of the wilderness; he encircled him, he cared for him, he kept him as the apple of his eye." -Deuteronomy 32:10

The seasons of life are a funny thing. I feel like as a young person, I didn't think about how many seasons and how many changes will happen in a lifetime. You grow and become molded by those seasons. This year our snowy winter came pretty late and hasn't really been what we expected. Life is very much like that.

The other day as I was getting ready for work, I had a nice little flashback of a trip I took with my grandparents when I was younger. They took us many places (and I am so thankful for them) and introduced us to a world beyond our own. This particular trip was to New Mexico to visit my beloved uncle and cousins. I believe it was in the summer and I was about 10 or so (my grandpa would know for sure.) As part of our trip, my grandparents took us to explore some National Parks, as they always did on our adventures together. This time it was The Petrified Forest National Park and Painted Desert in Arizona. It's part of the Four Corners and near the Grand Canyon. I wasn't too excited, probably because my brothers were annoying me and we had to drive even more. (I am so thankful for those trips. Words cannot express the place where I keep those memories. Thank you Grandma and Grandpa.) As we drove through gazing at the splendor of colors in the sand and dirt, we listened to my grandpa tell us all the he knew. We soaked it up. It was so barron and for most kids, probably pretty boring. I got something out of that desert and I was in awe of how beautiful it was. It broke my heart to hear about how people over the years had done things to it and taken the beautiful petrified wood that somehow found itself there, in the middle of such a desert. Needless to say, I was glad we went there.

Some of you may know that when I moved to St. Cloud, my heart was in a very interesting place. And knowing that I was going to be on my own and in a sense, alone, I was not thrilled. I was excited, but found myself already wishing for change. Mainly because of things that surfaced during my time alone. I talked alot about God and the things I understood He wanted for me. But, as far as doing what I needed to do to attain such things, it wasn't going to happen. It was a hold up. Night after night, I would cry myself to sleep thinking that I wasn't enough, filled with bitterness, and hurt. I wrestled with God in those days of lonlieness about past and future relationships, the loss of my brother, and the divorce of my parents. I prayed like crazy all the time and talked to God (and Darla, my plant) out loud in my apartment. God was so present to me after a couple months. I started to know healing like I never have before and know God like never before. Contentment began to reign in my life as He answered prayers one by one and stripped away the things in my life that had created a wall between Him and I for so long. I never realized it before, but the wall was keeping me from so many things. I never wanted to recognize it was there. I didn't want to see it.

As I sit here now, in another new season of life (completely surprised by it, by the way.) I realized the last year was very much a painted desert. I wouldn't change it for a thing. It was a painful but beautiful time in my life. And I know, that I will be taking more rides through a painted desert at other times later in my life. That's okay. In fact, I look forward to it. I plan to soak it up. I know God will meet me there. His grace and mercy guide me if I look up. That season of my life will be a reminder of who was there in a barron place and did not give up on me. It will not be easy to forget. It wasn't about loving God anymore. It's about abiding in His love that He offers so abundantly and we refuse so easily.

A couple summers ago, I had the wonderful opportunity to chaperone my church youth group mission trip to Las Vegas. On the way back we got to stop at the Grand Canyon. Talk about God's glory. I remember having that same memory of the Painted Desert float up in my mind. I recalled my grandpa talking about the Grand Canyon, but we weren't able to make the drive on that trip. I had no idea what was on the other side of the desert. Splendor beyond anything I have ever known. The mystery and the greatness has no comparison. There was nothing better than standing on that rocky ledge and staring out into the vast and beautiful canyon, knowing that God was in every part of it. It is the same in my heart. God is in every part of the struggle and the pain, if you seek Him in it. And the spalshes of His wonder and His might show up in your life, no matter how barron it may seem. And as I walk through life, He continues to awaken the very things in me that He created and fashioned. I hope that this writing gives you hope in your barron place. Know He is the one who will meet you in the desert. You might have to wrestle and it will be painful. But He will be there. In every part of it.

In Chirst,

Jessica

A Journey For Two

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4


The first of August has come and gone, and with it the heartache of Ryan's 5 year anniversary. I ment to write this a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I struggled through memories of that day and the blur of the days before, which is not just a one time occurance for me or my family. Fear fills every fiber of my being on days like that and I remember what it's like to tremble and only know one feeling: numb. Grief is rather haunting and will continue to suprise you no matter where you are in life. To those of you who encountered me on those first couple days in August and embraced me, tears and all, I am truly thankful for you. You let me be what I needed to be, and that's all you needed to do.

Shortly after Ryan's funeral, I recieved a letter from one of my favorite high school teachers. It was only a couple weeks before I was scheduled to leave for college. My mom had sincerely given me the option of not going and taking a semester or a year off, until I felt ready. I was pondering this choice when I began to read the letter. Mrs. Chier had both Ryan and I in her classes. She wrote of her memories of Ryan's smile and his ability to bring out the best in her personality. Ryan had stopped by to visit her when he was home on leave for my graduation and told her that it was important for him to be there for me. She continued "Now, on to you Jessica, I said earlier that I see you and have wondered about the fantastic journeys you will partake in. Jessica, my hope for you is that you will take Ryan's death in, mourn completely, and embrace it; don't let anyone tell you when you have had enough. Find a friend you can confide in completely. But then, Jessica, when you feel that you can move on, you have a responsibility to journey, not just for you now, for you and Ryan. Live, love, celebrate, for two people. I see the similarity between the two of you, and he would want you to continue to be a positive presence. He will always be with you when you need him."

After reading her words and drying my eyes, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to do what I had planned to do, what I hoped for, and what I desired for my future. Not just because I wanted to, but because Ryan would want to. Her words sunk into my heart and have been there ever since. Every time I just wanted to give up because the numb feeling hadn't gone away, or my anxiety was so bad I thought I couldn't over come it, I was reminded of her letter. I journey for two. Ryan and I love to travel, we both wanted to go to college, we love kids, music, and our family. I had goals and dreams that I decided not to let go of the day I read that letter.

I know Ryan is with me every step of the way, which is why I cannot let grief haunt me completely and take over my life. If I am defeated, then Ryan is too....and if there is one thing I admired about Ryan, it was that he did NOT accept defeat. He had the heart of a champion. I am where I aimed to be and I take steps further each day with him in mind. I continue to journey, with him tucked inside my heart. With the Lord's strength and grace, I am able to look forward after tragedy. It's not easy; it's quite the battle sometimes. But it's worth it to know Ryan is still alive in my life. That will never change.

Mrs. Chier, I will be forever grateful for your kind letter. Your simple words spoke to the deepest parts of my heart and changed my life. Thank you.

5 Years Ago

5 years ago,
I didn’t see it coming.
You had sent home trunks of clothes and
stories of foreign war endeavors
and we were awaiting your return.

5 years ago,
Everything was normal.
The future was easy to expect
And a beautiful reunion was to be had.

5 years ago,
I had no fear of losing you.
You were invincible and
Quite ready to continue with life.
You had plans.

5 years ago,
We laid you to rest so unprepared and broken.
The tears fell and prayers were lifted
And we remembered your smile
And your heart.

5 years ago,
I never would have dreamed
That you would touch so many lives
After going to Heaven.
And how your smile and your heart
Have blossomed in my life.

5 years ago,
I was reminded of the abundance
of God’s grace and love.
And how easily life can slip
From my fingers.

5 years ago,
I said goodbye,
But I did not let you go.
I keep you safe inside my present
And my future.

Today,
My heart aches for you
Just as it did
5 years ago.

Keep Dreaming

Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving Christ. -Colossians 3:23-24

It's funny that I find myself here. In this season that was expected, but not in this way. I have a lot of realizations and changes in my thinking since I was in college. For whatever reason, I thought that this season of life, the season of being a college graduate and having a full time job was a pretty permanent thing. It would be solid and defined, and the only changes would be my family growing. Boy was I wrong! It is crazy changing all the time. Life is just as temporary as it was when I was in high school and college. I realize that things don't always turn out the way that you think, like I thought I would be married at this point, for some reason...

I really haven't dreamed passed this point. This point of going to school to work with youth and families, and getting a job where I connect and make a difference. Last summer, when I ventured with YouthWorks to Daytona, I noticed this. I didn't exactly have a vision about what was next or a dream for the future. I've been reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and she had a vision and a dream to do mission work, language and translation to be specific. She went to school for it and all the while praying for direction on where to go and apply her knowledge and share the Gospel. She ended up in Ecuador. There are other stories that I am in awe of. I am amazed by this. The vision that I have had hasn't been that clear or specific. I just know that I'm called to serve. I don't know how and I don't know where, and I don't know in what capacity. This has been a struggle for me. Since I have moved to a new place and plugged in to the community, I know there are ways to serve where I'm at. Here I am Lord, use me.

As some of my friends have ventured to Africa, France, and Jackson, MS to work with ministry organizations, I wonder what my dream is. What is my vision? And what is God's dream/plan for me? I come to find that having a full time job isn't the end...that it's as permanent as I make it. I love my job. There are times though, that I consider full time ministry. Youth ministry.....homeless outreach ministry.....ministry in another country. I pray for discernment in this. It's been interesting to process through the thought that I don't have to do the job that I'm in forever. Things can change for other reasons than getting married or having a child in this season. I can make the change. I can continue to dream. It may be staying in my job and having a vision and dream for the children we serve through our agency, or pursuing more schooling, or trying out a different area of work, including ministry. Dreaming doesn't end after you graduate from high school, college, or even when you get married. I'm glad that this block has been removed from my thinking. My youth pastor from my home church in Merrill tells me that I am being prepared for something great. I'm hoping so. I know that there is much to be had in the "time in between." I am open to possibilities, but I know it may be awhile until I get more direction. I am okay with that. I like where I'm at and my heart continues to say "Send me, I'll go."

Bittersweet

If: "If I make much of anything appointed, magnify to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it 'hard', if I look back longingly upon what used to be, ling among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love." -Amy Carmichael

This last month has been one of bittersweetness...and it continues with tomorrow and June 1st. Actually, it's not just this month that has been bittersweet, but the last 5 years. And now that I think about it, that is how the rest of life shall be-bittersweet.

On May 2nd my little brother (who's not so little) left for basic training to be a Chaplain's assistant in the Army National Guard. We had several months to prepare for this and it was not easy. The process of Steven joining the military was one I didn't want to go through again. My dad has been in the military for 21 years (and will be retiring in August), and my older brother, Ryan, was in the Army National Guard until he was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq on August 2nd, 2006. If you have had a family member in the military, you might understand what I mean by "process." It's a predictable journey that is unsure, uncertain, hidden and sometimes not so promising. I wish there was a better way that I could put it in to words. Seeing Steven off to basic training brought back a flood of memories as I walked into the armory where Ryan had drill and his smile hangs in the entry way. Steven was smiling and nervous, but ready. With all of his heart, he was ready. A ready I just do not understand. He gave me Ryan's dog tags because he would no longer be able to wear them, as he had his own. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, and I did not want to let go. I left the armory and went to the car. As looked across the street at the cemetery where Ryan was laid to rest, I broke. I cried about Ryan and I cried about Steven. Living in bittersweetness does that to you. You cry and you laugh, and at some point you take a step forward, continuing to cry and laugh. It's been hard having him gone and not being able to really talk to him. He's what I got. He's a good part of my everything. I can't wait until he returns home. My mind tries not to think of deployment, as it is very much a possibility down the road.

I hold tight to him, as I do the rest of my family. Life is bittersweet in the aftermath of Ryan's death. Bittersweet is what I choose to describe it because with each moment, we take a step forward in memory of Ryan. Sometimes we are reluctant to take a step and we indeed take it with bitterness, but we find that it is sweet. Sweet in the sense that Ryan was in that step. It will be 5 years since my brother has been with the Lord and there's something (actually, a lot of things) I've realized in the midst of all of this. I could choose to put my identity in the fact that my brother is gone from this earth. That he will not be at my wedding, that he will not have any children to carry on his name, that he will not be around to celebrate Christmas and birthdays. Or I can choose to believe in Calvary love and know that my identity is in Christ. It is a bittersweet thought. And that's okay with me.

Today is Memorial Day, so today and every day, we remember. We remember not just Ryan, but the many like him, who served and died for our freedoms. In a couple days is Ryan's 25th birthday. The last time I saw Ryan, he had come home on leave for my graduation and to celebrate his birthday. He had turned 20 that year. His smile lives in my memory. And his life is in every bittersweet step forward. It's days like this when I find myself looking up to the Heavens with tears and a smile.