Just for a quick catch up, the last 5 years have gone like this......Clinton and I prayed, hoped, struggled, cried, and dreamed our way through 14 months of infertility. In that time we became homeowners and auntie and uncle. We were then blessed with our sweet son Miles in August of 2015. We got caught up in the lovely craziness that is being new parents. In the mist of new parenting, Clinton found himself changing jobs, which eventually lead him into a great position that he is thriving in. (This was a stretch for me initially but now we look back and we are so extremely thankful.) Before Miles turned one, we found ourselves in what I like to call "the awakening" where my rose colored glasses simply....well, exploded. Our marriage was challenged by finances. It was a tough run, but we worked hard and loved hard and by the pure grace of God have found ourselves on the other side, with direction, understanding, and purpose; not only in our finances but in our marriage. After working for BBBS for 6 years, I made the difficult decision to take a different position working 4 days a week at a local home health care company as an Administrative Assistant. And that was an emotional ride, let me tell you! Thankfully, it was a good move and Miles and I have enjoyed a little more time together. It has made such a difference for me. We then discovered that I have elevated ANA levels which very well could be Rheumatoid Arthritis. This has lead us into a whole new world of natural approaches and healthy choices. Thankfully, I have had no pain for a year and half. We have been on another journey of praying, hoping, struggling, crying, and dreaming of having a child. After a year of that journey, we joyously found out I was pregnant and then sadly miscarried 3 weeks later, on New Years Day 2018. We have been recovering and healing from that hurt, still praying, hoping, struggling, crying, and dreaming.
And then comes Thirty.
I'm honestly not too bent out of shape about turning 30. I knew it was coming, right? I felt every emotion under the sun in my twenties. I traveled. I had fun. I served. I struggled. I LIVED BY MYSELF! I'm sure people do that all the time, but I still can't believe I did that and I'M SO GLAD I DID! My twenties ended up being a mini series about trusting God and giving Him the control. I'm not saying that I got things I desired because I trusted God. My life would look fairly different if that was the case. I am saying that I found myself trusting God and giving Him control. Simply that. As hard as it was in those moments of dark loneliness when I was single, hardly able to get a date, to weeping with my husband because our 2nd child was already gone - I lifted up my hands and surrendered the best I could. And God met me there.
My thirties, I'm guessing, will be an extended mini series about trusting God and trying to explain to Miles why the sky is blue, why he can't pretend to shoot people, that girls are to be treated well, God loves him, where babies come from, where poop comes from, and so on. I look forward to it. The bumps, the bruises, the doubt, the fear, the disappointment....if I am willing, bring me closer to the God who "drew me with loving kindness" (Jeremiah 31:3). Instead of being afraid of what is ahead in my thirties, I'm going to surrender.
This prayer by Amy Carmichael is my charge for my thirties. And may it be a charge to you, whatever age you are, whatever season you are in.
Love through me, Love of God;
Make me like thy clear air
Through which, unhindered, colors pass
As though it were not there.
Powers of the love of God,
Depths of the heart Divine,
O love that faileth not, break forth,
And flood this world of Thine.
Make me like thy clear air
Through which, unhindered, colors pass
As though it were not there.
Powers of the love of God,
Depths of the heart Divine,
O love that faileth not, break forth,
And flood this world of Thine.
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