A Journey For Two

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. -Psalm 23:4


The first of August has come and gone, and with it the heartache of Ryan's 5 year anniversary. I ment to write this a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't get myself to sit down and do it. I struggled through memories of that day and the blur of the days before, which is not just a one time occurance for me or my family. Fear fills every fiber of my being on days like that and I remember what it's like to tremble and only know one feeling: numb. Grief is rather haunting and will continue to suprise you no matter where you are in life. To those of you who encountered me on those first couple days in August and embraced me, tears and all, I am truly thankful for you. You let me be what I needed to be, and that's all you needed to do.

Shortly after Ryan's funeral, I recieved a letter from one of my favorite high school teachers. It was only a couple weeks before I was scheduled to leave for college. My mom had sincerely given me the option of not going and taking a semester or a year off, until I felt ready. I was pondering this choice when I began to read the letter. Mrs. Chier had both Ryan and I in her classes. She wrote of her memories of Ryan's smile and his ability to bring out the best in her personality. Ryan had stopped by to visit her when he was home on leave for my graduation and told her that it was important for him to be there for me. She continued "Now, on to you Jessica, I said earlier that I see you and have wondered about the fantastic journeys you will partake in. Jessica, my hope for you is that you will take Ryan's death in, mourn completely, and embrace it; don't let anyone tell you when you have had enough. Find a friend you can confide in completely. But then, Jessica, when you feel that you can move on, you have a responsibility to journey, not just for you now, for you and Ryan. Live, love, celebrate, for two people. I see the similarity between the two of you, and he would want you to continue to be a positive presence. He will always be with you when you need him."

After reading her words and drying my eyes, I knew what I needed to do. I needed to do what I had planned to do, what I hoped for, and what I desired for my future. Not just because I wanted to, but because Ryan would want to. Her words sunk into my heart and have been there ever since. Every time I just wanted to give up because the numb feeling hadn't gone away, or my anxiety was so bad I thought I couldn't over come it, I was reminded of her letter. I journey for two. Ryan and I love to travel, we both wanted to go to college, we love kids, music, and our family. I had goals and dreams that I decided not to let go of the day I read that letter.

I know Ryan is with me every step of the way, which is why I cannot let grief haunt me completely and take over my life. If I am defeated, then Ryan is too....and if there is one thing I admired about Ryan, it was that he did NOT accept defeat. He had the heart of a champion. I am where I aimed to be and I take steps further each day with him in mind. I continue to journey, with him tucked inside my heart. With the Lord's strength and grace, I am able to look forward after tragedy. It's not easy; it's quite the battle sometimes. But it's worth it to know Ryan is still alive in my life. That will never change.

Mrs. Chier, I will be forever grateful for your kind letter. Your simple words spoke to the deepest parts of my heart and changed my life. Thank you.

5 Years Ago

5 years ago,
I didn’t see it coming.
You had sent home trunks of clothes and
stories of foreign war endeavors
and we were awaiting your return.

5 years ago,
Everything was normal.
The future was easy to expect
And a beautiful reunion was to be had.

5 years ago,
I had no fear of losing you.
You were invincible and
Quite ready to continue with life.
You had plans.

5 years ago,
We laid you to rest so unprepared and broken.
The tears fell and prayers were lifted
And we remembered your smile
And your heart.

5 years ago,
I never would have dreamed
That you would touch so many lives
After going to Heaven.
And how your smile and your heart
Have blossomed in my life.

5 years ago,
I was reminded of the abundance
of God’s grace and love.
And how easily life can slip
From my fingers.

5 years ago,
I said goodbye,
But I did not let you go.
I keep you safe inside my present
And my future.

Today,
My heart aches for you
Just as it did
5 years ago.

Keep Dreaming

Whatever you do, work heartily as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving Christ. -Colossians 3:23-24

It's funny that I find myself here. In this season that was expected, but not in this way. I have a lot of realizations and changes in my thinking since I was in college. For whatever reason, I thought that this season of life, the season of being a college graduate and having a full time job was a pretty permanent thing. It would be solid and defined, and the only changes would be my family growing. Boy was I wrong! It is crazy changing all the time. Life is just as temporary as it was when I was in high school and college. I realize that things don't always turn out the way that you think, like I thought I would be married at this point, for some reason...

I really haven't dreamed passed this point. This point of going to school to work with youth and families, and getting a job where I connect and make a difference. Last summer, when I ventured with YouthWorks to Daytona, I noticed this. I didn't exactly have a vision about what was next or a dream for the future. I've been reading Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and she had a vision and a dream to do mission work, language and translation to be specific. She went to school for it and all the while praying for direction on where to go and apply her knowledge and share the Gospel. She ended up in Ecuador. There are other stories that I am in awe of. I am amazed by this. The vision that I have had hasn't been that clear or specific. I just know that I'm called to serve. I don't know how and I don't know where, and I don't know in what capacity. This has been a struggle for me. Since I have moved to a new place and plugged in to the community, I know there are ways to serve where I'm at. Here I am Lord, use me.

As some of my friends have ventured to Africa, France, and Jackson, MS to work with ministry organizations, I wonder what my dream is. What is my vision? And what is God's dream/plan for me? I come to find that having a full time job isn't the end...that it's as permanent as I make it. I love my job. There are times though, that I consider full time ministry. Youth ministry.....homeless outreach ministry.....ministry in another country. I pray for discernment in this. It's been interesting to process through the thought that I don't have to do the job that I'm in forever. Things can change for other reasons than getting married or having a child in this season. I can make the change. I can continue to dream. It may be staying in my job and having a vision and dream for the children we serve through our agency, or pursuing more schooling, or trying out a different area of work, including ministry. Dreaming doesn't end after you graduate from high school, college, or even when you get married. I'm glad that this block has been removed from my thinking. My youth pastor from my home church in Merrill tells me that I am being prepared for something great. I'm hoping so. I know that there is much to be had in the "time in between." I am open to possibilities, but I know it may be awhile until I get more direction. I am okay with that. I like where I'm at and my heart continues to say "Send me, I'll go."

Bittersweet

If: "If I make much of anything appointed, magnify to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it 'hard', if I look back longingly upon what used to be, ling among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing of Calvary love." -Amy Carmichael

This last month has been one of bittersweetness...and it continues with tomorrow and June 1st. Actually, it's not just this month that has been bittersweet, but the last 5 years. And now that I think about it, that is how the rest of life shall be-bittersweet.

On May 2nd my little brother (who's not so little) left for basic training to be a Chaplain's assistant in the Army National Guard. We had several months to prepare for this and it was not easy. The process of Steven joining the military was one I didn't want to go through again. My dad has been in the military for 21 years (and will be retiring in August), and my older brother, Ryan, was in the Army National Guard until he was killed by a roadside bomb in Iraq on August 2nd, 2006. If you have had a family member in the military, you might understand what I mean by "process." It's a predictable journey that is unsure, uncertain, hidden and sometimes not so promising. I wish there was a better way that I could put it in to words. Seeing Steven off to basic training brought back a flood of memories as I walked into the armory where Ryan had drill and his smile hangs in the entry way. Steven was smiling and nervous, but ready. With all of his heart, he was ready. A ready I just do not understand. He gave me Ryan's dog tags because he would no longer be able to wear them, as he had his own. I hugged him goodbye, told him I loved him, and I did not want to let go. I left the armory and went to the car. As looked across the street at the cemetery where Ryan was laid to rest, I broke. I cried about Ryan and I cried about Steven. Living in bittersweetness does that to you. You cry and you laugh, and at some point you take a step forward, continuing to cry and laugh. It's been hard having him gone and not being able to really talk to him. He's what I got. He's a good part of my everything. I can't wait until he returns home. My mind tries not to think of deployment, as it is very much a possibility down the road.

I hold tight to him, as I do the rest of my family. Life is bittersweet in the aftermath of Ryan's death. Bittersweet is what I choose to describe it because with each moment, we take a step forward in memory of Ryan. Sometimes we are reluctant to take a step and we indeed take it with bitterness, but we find that it is sweet. Sweet in the sense that Ryan was in that step. It will be 5 years since my brother has been with the Lord and there's something (actually, a lot of things) I've realized in the midst of all of this. I could choose to put my identity in the fact that my brother is gone from this earth. That he will not be at my wedding, that he will not have any children to carry on his name, that he will not be around to celebrate Christmas and birthdays. Or I can choose to believe in Calvary love and know that my identity is in Christ. It is a bittersweet thought. And that's okay with me.

Today is Memorial Day, so today and every day, we remember. We remember not just Ryan, but the many like him, who served and died for our freedoms. In a couple days is Ryan's 25th birthday. The last time I saw Ryan, he had come home on leave for my graduation and to celebrate his birthday. He had turned 20 that year. His smile lives in my memory. And his life is in every bittersweet step forward. It's days like this when I find myself looking up to the Heavens with tears and a smile.

Abide

"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love." -John 15:9

I read this the other day during my devotinal time. The word Abide struck me. Is it really that simple? "Abide in my love," Jesus said. Abide. It has been the word written on my heart. Something that I can't explain.

Here in Saint Cloud, I volunteer with a ministry called "Youth for Christ." They have a building they call "The City Life Exchange Center" (or something close to that.) They have several youth outreach minitries that they offer to reach the youth in our community for Christ. I work with BRAID, which is the girls ministry there. They have become my family. And I have a crazy story for you. The first time I was at BRAID, a young girl named Mia showed up. I was blown away by this because just a couple months prior, I was volunteering at Place of Hope, which is a homeless outreach, for their kids ministry on Thursdays and Mia was the girl I was constantly peeling off the ground. Her "friends" kept knocking her to the ground and practically beating her up. I of course began to protect her and told her "friends" that was no way to treat a friend. I hadn't seen Mia since then and I couldn't believe that she walked into the doors of The Exchange. I couldn't believe it. Lately, I have ran into Mia outside of The Exchange at the public library. One week I ran into her and was able to take her to her school performance, give her a pep talk for her nerves, cheer her on, and bring her back to BRAID for some quality Jesus time. Something her family wasn't available to do for whatever reason. The next week, Mia bought me a cupcake for my birthday and her name was drawn to pick an adult leader to get ice cream with. She picked me. Needless to say, she has opened my eyes even more. This is a girl who was slipping under the radar and the Lord wanted to make sure she knew that He noticed her. I believe that is where I came in. I know this wasn't an accident that Mia came into my life. Her and I have talked about things going on in her life and we have laughed about silly things. I continue to pray for her heart and for our friendship. It is truly a blessing.

Challenge for you: is there someone that you have ran into a lot lately, or that you have thought to yourself "I wonder how they are REALLY doing?" Take the time. Give them that much. Ask them if they want to go out for coffee, go for a walk, or see movie. Give them your time. You will find great things will be revealed.

My wonderful friend, Sheena, went to a conference recently and shared with me one of many things she brought back with her. "the question should not be "why me? or who am I?" but it should be the statement "Here I am."

Abba, I belong to you.

Magic Moments

We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. -Winston Churchill I want to tell you more about my job. At Big Brothers Big Sisters our vision and mission is to "help children reach their full potential by providing children facing adversity with strong and enduring, professionally supported one-to-one relationships that change their lives for the better, forever." We do this through School-Based programs, Site-Based programs, and a Community-Based program. I was a school-based Big Sister in high school and a community-based Big sister while I was in college. Both were amazing, eye-opening experiences. I got a glimpse into a child's life and was able to just walk along side them. Talking with my Little Sister about school, her friends, not liking boys, siblings, and what they want to do when they grow up. We would color and scrapbook, go for walks, play games, work on homework, eat ice cream, and laugh. Very simple things provided wonderful memories and a sense of confidence. What lead me to volunteer and to eventually work for Big Brothers Big Sisters was my own experience as a child. As I look back on my life, my parents have always been supportive and encouraging, but life at home has always been kind of a mess. My parents fought a lot during my childhood, and during my adolescence, we moved to a different state, they divorced, my dad did a tour in Iraq, my oldest brother started a tour in a Iraq soon after my dad came back, and in my college years, my family was dealing with the grief (and still is) of loosing Ryan from a roadside bomb in Iraq (2006, the summer before I left for college). Amongst all of that, I also struggled with friendships, love relationships, my spiritual journey, and my future. A lot of times with my home life being such a mess, and even though I knew my mom and dad were supportive of me and loved me, I simply struggled. A lot of negative messages were getting thrown at me and deciphering them wasn't easy and going against them was even harder. But, I had a couple elementary school teachers, a handful of middle school teachers (especially Big Y), some high school teachers, and Peggy and Sue (as well as several other women) in the church that I joined my Junior year of high school, that invested in me (and continue to do so), walked through life's ups and downs with me, gave me a listening ear, and shared their life experiences with me. They were intentional about loving me. I didn't exactly see it then, especially in elementary school, but I am extremely thankful for it now. It was like they gave me the extra that I needed to be confident and get through, and achieve my dreams. They helped me to process things in my life and think about the decisions I was making. They gave me what I needed to see that I had worth. And they did it by giving me their time. I work with 2 elementary schools and a middle school, as well as a site-based program at a trailor park community in the St. Cloud area. I also have a community-based case load. Each child has a different story, but want the same thing. As I get to know their stories and catch a glimpse of their life at home, I see so much in them that is searching and waiting. They are searching for someone to help them, even if they aren't asking for it and they are waiting for someone to spend time with them. Some of them have supportive parents like I do, but just need that little extra encouragement and guidance from someone outside of their family as they go through the crazy things that life throws at them. Someone that reminds them to have fun and be a kid. Some of the children don't have a mom or a dad, or they do and they don't know who they are, or they haven't seen them for a long time, or they don't have a sibling or have lots of siblings. And they need and want the someone to show them their worth by spending time with them. Time they may not get at home. My heart breaks for each child for one reason or another. I am constantly brought to my knees in prayer for the kids in my site-based program and the other kids on my case load. As much as it may stress me out when things don't go right or I have over 20 match support contacts overdue (I have to have contact with the child and the volunteer each month), I still love it and I love them. My heart leaps, though, when I see them interact with their Bigs or hear about what they have been doing with their Bigs and how they feel about their Bigs. It amazes me to see the change it makes. Of course, there are some children that don't show it, but you know that deep down, the consistency of someone showing up, playing checkers with them, and asking them how their weekend was, is proving something. There are matches in our program that have been together for 7+ years and many have continued their friendships after the child has graduated from high school and the program. It truly is magic. This is why I love my job. I am a firm believer in a smile changing someone's day, an encouraging conversation changing someone's week, and spending time with someone changing a life. Big Brothers Big Sisters is one of the many routes one can take to invest in the children of our communities. It is an amazing organization to be a part of. Last night we hosted our annual fundraiser, the Magic Moments Ball. It went extremely well and was SOLD OUT. I can't tell you how cool it is to see so many people in the community support our mission. I think it might be because they also had someone walk along side them as they went about life, or maybe they didn't and didn't know how to seek that out and see the difference it can make. Maybe it's because they know the importance of a child recognizing their potential and allowing themselves to dream. Maybe, just maybe. :)

8 Months later....

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." Exodus 14:14

Wow. Last time I wrote was July and it was the last week that we were in Daytona. A good amount has happened since then! After a battle of deciding whether or not to MOVE to Daytona, I decided to just see where else the Lord would lead me, and if he lead me back to Daytona, I would be there in a heartbeat. I got back from my adventurous YouthWorks! summer on August 2nd with so much fear of the future in my heart. All I desired was to serve the Lord like I had been in Daytona by investing in youth and in a community. I had no idea what that was going to look like. I applied for 3 jobs the next day. One was for a day care center in Waukesha, another was for a homeless outreach center in Madison, and the last was for a Big Brothers Big Sisters agency in St. Cloud, MN. A couple days later, I had a phone interview with BBBS in St. Cloud for a School-Based Coordinator position. A week later I had an in-person interview in St. Cloud and a day later, I was offered the position. All the while, the prayer of my heart was to allow myself to not fear God's will for my life, whatever that was. I accepted the position with excitement! My first full time job, a job that I wanted and was very passionate about!!! Praise Jesus! Two weeks later, I was moved into my new one bedroom apartment, and beginning the next chapter in my life. It still blows me away when I think about it. Crazy!

It's been over 6 months since I moved to St. Cloud, MN and started working for BBBS. (I even have Minnesota plates and license...) I can't even express to you what I've learned. Not only from starting my first full time job, but from living by myself, and not knowing anyone in the community. It was a tough road, a lot harder than I ever thought. The crazy thing is, it was a wonderful place to be. I wouldn't have told you that in my first couple months here. I was quite bitter about not having a significant other/fiancee/husband, not having friends/my friends being so far away/friendships changing, and just not really knowing if this was where I was supposed to be. I was alone a lot. If you know me at all, you would know that's not how I roll. I like a little time alone, not a lot. I spent a lot of time at Barnes and Noble reading a book called Lady in Waiting (ladies, read it!). Seriously, I would go there after work and take the book off the shelf and read a chapter, then put it back. Hour by hour, and lonely weekend after lonely weekend, God stripped away so many insecurities, bitterness, fears, doubts, and anxieties as he brought me closer to Him in the quiet of my one bed room apartment, and at a corner table at Barnes and Noble. He taught me lessons (and continues to teach me) in my brokenness and surrender. I began to see things differently. I saw my life differently.

As I learned about reckless abandonment to Jesus and the power of the Word of the Lord, my view shifted and I enjoyed my time alone. The Lord slowly began bringing friends into my life and enhancing my friendships with my co-workers. Speaking of co-workers, I love them. They are all simply wonderful, and I am so blessed to have ended up in an office filled with such wonderful people. Grace. That is something working with them and in this field has opened my eyes to. The abundance of grace. It truly is a wonderful thing. Anyway, I started volunteering at a homeless shelter and looking for other ways that I could serve the community I was in. I went to a couple different churches (church shopping is cool, but not something I want to do again) and finally found one that is solid, challenging, and encouraging. I started volunteering with Youth For Christ with the young girls ministry there. Looking outside myself and being about other people, being about Christ. It was so easy for me to think about myself and pity my place in life when I first moved here. My eyes have been opened even more since Daytona. In fact, I realize now that Daytona was only the beginning of my vision being enhanced and changed. I have a purpose. Serve. That is my purpose. That's your purpose. Serve. No matter where you are at. No matter if it's your mom or a man standing on the corner with a sign that says "Will work for food" or a young child who's parent is incarcerated or a high school girl who is just looking for some guidance. Serve by loving. Serve by giving. Serve by sharing. Serve by listening. That is what I'm supposed to do here in St. Cloud. It only took me moving some where new, not knowing anybody,and being broken at Jesus' feet for the millionth time to figure this out. God used Daytona to teach me a lot and give me a lot of fuel for the fire inside me. It continues here in St. Cloud, MN. I'm ablaze with the love, joy, and peace that comes with knowing Jesus Christ as my Savior and I want to share it with everyone I meet.

With that, I have decided to continue my blog. My hope is to write about ministry here in St. Cloud. There's so much need here, just as there is in any community. We just have to choose to look outside of ourselves before we can see it. I will be 23 soon, so this blog might also contain some life lessons of a twenty-something. There's so many already, it's ridiculous. I have no idea how many people will actually read this, but that's okay. I will write anyway. I still can't believe I'm here. Working a job that I truly enjoy, living on my own, and content. I love saying that word, content. It's truly wonderful. God is good.

Thank you to all of the wonderful people that have been praying for me and who listened to me cry numerous times over the phone (especially my mom).

I hope this blog can be an encouragement to everyone and maybe help you to see things around you differently, through God's eyes instead of your own.

In Christ,

Jessica